Hi.

 

22

When I was 17 I remember curling up in a ball next to my window at 4:30pm on a Wednesday. Asking God to take it all back. The pain. The heartbreak. The depression. My life. 

"Of what use could I possibly be to you?" I asked him. "I sit here daily and make marks on my body because I can't stand the person looking back at me! That boy that you put in my life doesn't give a damn about me! My friends think I'm being rude and that I don't care! I'm sick all the time. I can't get out of bed because of the migraines. I can't do what I love because my body won't let me! So why the hell am I still here? What else do you want to do to me? You can't mend this broken mess."

About a week after, one morning when I got done brushing my teeth, I looked up to wipe toothpaste off my face and had this voice whisper to me, "You are going to do so much more."

6 years later and I'm starting to see things more clearly. The reason why I'm still here. 

I am not great by any means. Honestly, I still struggle with lies creeping up on me, like an old familiar friend. If you read any type of writing by me depression is evident in my story, but it isn't my story. I'm so much more. 

The other day I was reading through Acts in my bible, such a lovely book it is. I began reading about Saul. Saul, the man who was killing christians, stoning them to death. Yeah, that lovely human. Well as God would have it Saul, would be renamed Paul. Oh sh#@ what?! (That was my reaction when I found out on my birthday) Yeah, Paul who wrote half of the bible, one of the greatest missionaries, Paul. 

The Lord said this about Saul to the disciple Ananias: "Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him HOW MUCH HE MUST SUFFER FOR THE SAKE OF MY NAME." Acts 9: 15-16

HOLY POOP Y'ALL. If Jesus can transform a man who was Killing his people, then surely he can take all of my mess, heal it and use it. That's not a question, it's a fact. 

That's what I realized my 22nd year of life and here are the pictures celebrating that. Here's to being an instrument! 

Grief

Self//Scraping Dust