I did not think I would start out my 2018 let alone my twenty-third year writing out my thoughts on the death of a loved one.

Death is inconvenient.

It does not look at your life plans and see when it is best to take away. Death does not care about your work schedule. It doesn't care that on Mondays you work between the hours of 1:30pm and 8:30pm.

At 3:49pm you will go to the back to call your mom and she will tell you they are gone. You will fall to the ground in shock, unable to breathe. You will leave work to go over to your friend's apartment and watch stupid TV because you are too afraid to be alone. You will think you are okay, he was just your old grandfather, right? Then you will momentarily think you are hungry so you make your friend take you to some stupid Italian restaurant and take two bites of your food. You will look up from eating and see a shaky old man who you so badly wish was him. You will start having flash backs of Christmas Dinner, of him sitting at the table slowly eating his food, his fork wobbling. You will leave the restaurant, tell your friend you are okay only to go sit outside a coffee shop and drink wine alone while silently crying. You will call your little brother, who you can only recall making phone calls to a handful of times since you have moved away from home. You will see if he is okay, but really you only called because you are not. You will go back to your empty apartment, where crying in the shower brings you momentarily relief, a safe space. Despite your short lived remedy you will not fall asleep until after 2am, drifting off to sleep thinking about him.

Death is not convenient. 

Over the past twenty-four hours all I have wanted to do is be okay. To get back to normal; to feel normal, that is the goal. I am aware that death is a natural part of the human experience, so is grieving. When something good happens to me I want to celebrate. Now is the antithesis of that. I have a gaping hole in my heart. I have experienced a loss and now I need to mourn. I need to feel these feelings. My family needs to feel them. We need to process. We need to conceptualize that a human who was the center of our family for years is no longer present. The person who called us "Darlin" and "honey" is gone. We need to reminisce on how great he was. We need to laugh and allow the laughs to silently transform into tears and back to laughter. 

Death is not convenient.

Death makes everyone's lives uncomfortable. Those experiencing it and those experiencing those who experience it. If you are in the position of being a bystander to grief this is my advice to you. Apologize for the loss, sit with them while they cry, and allow that person their space to feel. Do not attempt to minimize their pain because it will only make them feel worse. After all, there is no way to know how big a role another human played in someone's life. 

Death is not convenient.

Normal will have its time, it does every other day of the year.  But today, I am not okay.